The Early Morning Commute Survival Guide for Foreigners (or: Train, Train 走って行け)

If there's one thing I learned from my previous employment experience, it's that you should never trust people from English-speaking countries that aren't America.  If there's two things I learned, it's that you should never trust British or Australian people (America's dandruff, that is to say, Canadians, are iffy), and that the morning commute in Big City, Japan is the kind of land war MacArthur could only have conjured in his darkest nightmares.  Like my previous post in this instructional series, this post seeks to inform the uninitiated on the finer points of daily life in Japan.

Congratulations on finding a job in Japan, and welcome to the Land of the Rising Sun!  You've just stepped off the plane, ready to start life anew! Customs was a breeze, and you made sure to impress the officer with your mastery of the language.  Domo arigatou gozaimasu, indeed!

Walking out into the concourse, you are struck again, for the first time, at the enormity of it all.  As I believe Aladdin and Jasmine once described it: "an entirely new environment--luminescent, reflective, and awesome."

You are momentarily humbled at the whirl of new sights, sounds, people, and experiences.  Making a quick note of things to see, foods to try, and places to go, you glide on adventurous feet through your new surroundings.  Your journey begins today.

But first, it would be nice to get to your hotel and drop off your things.  Then, unencumbered by the shackles of a life half-remembered in the excitement, you could fully partake of the wellspring of new experiences.

Arriving at the station, you quickly remember that your hotel is located in Nishi-Arai, and all at once, you lament your decision not to buy a Japanese phrasebook.  Fortunately for you, virtually all major train and subway stations contain destinations and instructions printed in English, easily readable for the unwashed masses.  Unfortunately for you, virtually all major train and subway stations contain destinations and instructions printed in English.  Baffled, but only for a moment, you think back to that kickass blog you read the night before the trip to help you with this exact problem you're having.

Chuckling to yourself at the serendipity of it all, you remember that in order to find your station, all you need to do is say "西新井駅に行きたい。何線を使いますか。"

To which the nice station attendant will likely respond: "五番線です。"

In anticipation of your trip, please practice the question out loud now; repetition begets retention!

You cleared the first obstacle with the elegance of Asada Mao pirouetting a triple lutz (unlike her, you get the gold for your efforts).  Emboldened by your triumph, you drag your luggage behind you to the platform and await your chariot, an entire day of green tea and onsens awaits--your reward for taking the red-eye.

And then, this happens:

Pictured: a crowded subway train.  Not pictured: human dignity

Your first instinct injects ice-water into your veins.  Fear.  But don't worry, they're not ninjas.

You enjoy a moment's relief before the zen-pond of your Western placidity is again disturbed by a barrage of Japanese cultural pebbles.  Suddenly, your mind recalls Seinfeld: "who are these people?"

These are the men and women who build this country from the ground up.  You are shoulder-to-shoulder with the Japanese industrial giants.  They're like regular industrial giants, but they have to shop for condoms in the novelty section when traveling abroad.  You may also notice a couple of white guys laying across the train seats face-down in a pool of their own vomit and recently accumulated yakuza debts.  These are Australians.

Not to worry, though!  As a foreigner with dozens of pounds of luggage, you will no doubt be recognized as a someone in a hurry, with places to go and people to see.  Naturally, you should hop into the shortest line possible.  While others pack tightly into a miserably hot or cold sardine can--depending on the season--relax knowing that you and your precious cargo will travel with elbow-room worthy of the emperor.  Why, you ask?

I'm reasonably certain the Chinese characters translate to "really busy people and"

Behold the wide-eyed (well... figuratively) and gap-jawed stares as you board the ladies' car, defying all cultural expectations of Western ignorance.  You are the man.

Take this opportunity to revel in something uniquely Japanese: the courtesy!  Notice how all the passengers on this train seem to shrink and shy away from you, affording you and your lode ample space.  Not that you need it, after all!

Westerners often ask how Japanese women stay so slim.

Actually, we ask a lot of dick questions

The answer is simple: a healthy lifestyle!  And that starts with standing on the train.  Sure, look around, there plenty of seats available!  These seats, for instance!

Sit back and enjoy the punctuality of Japanese mass transit in style.  Try to avoid the stares of the other commuters.  They're not used to seeing a lot of foreigners.  Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.  Take the time to unwind and ruminate on all you've already seen of Japan, and what you still hope to discover.

Like, why are Japanese people so short?